#ANXIETY #IRRITABILITY #BRAINFOG #UNSURE #ANGER #CRYING
The words above described how I felt after I came home with my older daughter. I had determined that I would breastfeed her and that I could do this thing called motherhood.
I was a nurse, her mother, I had support, why was this so challenging? Why did I feel this way? Why was this so hard? Why were none of my worries discussed on different online forums? Why did everyone look so happy?
And so this starts the story of my experience with postpartum depression…
If you have asked yourself any of these questions or thoughts, you are NOT ALONE! I PROMISE!!
Our society has created so many wonderful outlets for all of us to communicate, stay in touch, relate to one another, however at the same time has produced pressure, comparisons, and unrealistic expectations for ourselves and what works for us.
Intro : My Experience with Postpartum Depression
My experience with postpartum depression started early. I was initially devastated that breastfeeding did not come naturally for me or my daughter, I was struggling. I am not even sure I realized I was struggling, I was just surviving, but barely.
My daughter was 5lbs, her clavicle was broken, she was jaundice, I had preeclampsia, she was born earlier than was planned, and I felt like a failure. Deep down I knew that I was lucky to have my daughter and she is healthy, however I could not control the emotions. She cried, I cried.
We both cried.
I will never forget going to my daughter’s first pediatrician appointment when she was 3 days old. The pediatrician looked at me and said your daughter looks great, and before I could even start with my questions, I cried. I didn’t know why I was crying, but I did.
This doctor had been doing this for quite a few years, I am sure she had seen many women similar to myself, and I needed her. I didn’t know it in the moment, but I look back and I needed her more than I needed my own mother, I needed her more than I needed my husband.
I needed her to tell me this too shall pass and I was going to be okay. That WE were going to be okay.
And that she did.
She looked at my husband and told him that he needed to be on duty when we went home and I needed to have a meal, take a nap, and do some self care in the bathroom- ALONE. But, I asked, how could this be?
It has only been 3 days since she was born and I can’t handle motherhood?
Sharing Our Stories
The reason I am sharing all of the above is that I do not want anyone to think they are ALONE in their path of motherhood. As mothers we have similar goals.
All mothers in all cultures, of all walks of life, have the same goals of caring for their children, no matter how that happens, we NEED to openly talk about these struggles and needs of moms everywhere.
We need to lift each other up during times of darkness and provide support even when the people around us do not ask for help. This was my experience with postpartum depression. Every woman has a different experience with the transition to motherhood.
How can we as women, mothers, friends, be better about checking in on our people, our friends, our relatives?
I want to share with you the blood, sweat, and tears that I have experienced in motherhood. I want to share this for you to relate and normalize this experience.
The Denial Phase
I was in denial for quite some time after my older daughter was born. I kept thinking to myself I am not depressed, how could I have postpartum depression?
Having children was something I had wanted for a LONG time, why was I feeling so lousy? Why couldn’t I be grateful and enjoy these moments of no sleep and challenges with breastfeeding?
I specifically remember one of my lowest points during my postpartum journey with my oldest daughter at about the 6 week mark. My daughter ended up having the dreaded “colic” diagnosis, but to rewind a little first….
I, we, my husband and I had NO idea what we were doing with this baby. We were both in healthcare, we both have graduate degrees, but give us a baby…now what??
She cried, and cried, and cried.
The anxiety I had became overwhelming and then I started to cry. I started to be angry. Snapping at my husband about minor things and being constantly on edge. Feeling overwhelmed did not begin to describe it. Simple daily tasks sometimes became an emotional rollercoaster.
I do not remember particularly when the idea struck me, but I researched standardized depression scales on the internet, particularly for postpartum women. After reflection and doing these self assessments, I realized that I had been in denial about how I was feeling. Why, as a healthcare provider, did I not recognize this earlier? How did I not know?
Why did I feel like this…. And now what? How was I going to make this better? I want to share with you some of things that helped me get through those days, weeks, months. See my post on 5 Ways to Reduce Postpartum Irritability and Anxiety.
Moving Past the Feelings: My Experience with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
Through this journey I learned a lot of things about myself.
Some of the things I learned were elements I wish weren’t true, like feeling annoyed or frustrated with my child, however I learned other things that gave me confidence in being a parent like breastfeeding and sleep training both my girls.
My experience with postpartum depression is better than some and worse than others. Some women and parents adapt flawlessly and I praise them, what an absolute wonderful blessing.
I love both my girls, however my transition to motherhood was initially rocky, but improves everyday. EVERYDAY I think that I am the luckiest person to have both my girls.
The feelings I experienced eventually lessened and went away over time.
Thinking back to the sleepless nights and dreaded days I recognized that I am VERY grateful for my husband and the natural ability to progress and deal with my feelings.
Normalizing the Postpartum Phase
As a woman, I want to relate to others and let people know I am here for them, we should all be here for one another.
Again, my experience with postpartum depression is not terribly unusual and did not become severe, however it did impact me in the initial phases of becoming a mom.
I think back on that time often, especially when I see a picture or a memory, sometimes that memory is not the prettiest or happiest, but the memory is mine.
Looking back now with a different lens provides insight to those moments in time. What did I learn from that experience? How did those moments help me ultimately to move forward and get to where I am today?
One of the activities I did during the night when feeding my daughter was reading.
I read to escape. Reading gave me an outlet to turn off my own thoughts and have quiet time.
I like to read romance fiction, silly right? I like to take the chance to embrace a fun, happy ending story for a feel good moment.
Some Good Reads during this hard time…
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Resources
If you are someone you know is in need of resources or crisis hotline, please see the links below.
- Straightforward CDC Website: Depression During and After Pregnancy
- Crisis Hotline and other Resources for Support, on this page